Sunday, December 28, 2014


You’re insane if you love someone more than they love you. 
You’re insane if you are looking for love at the wrong places.
You’re insane if someone loves you but you don’t appreciate it.
You’re insane if you can’t feel anyone’s love for you at all. 
You’re insane if you don’t love anyone at all. 
You’re insane if you think you can’t be loved.
You’re insane if you just love the idea of someone.
You’re insane if you can’t tell whether you really love someone or just the idea of them.
But it’s okay. Love makes us all insane.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

December 12th wasn't a bad day.

So, what does a good day feel like? Do you feel like it's a good day when you wake up? Does life give you hints that something good is about to happen? You never know which is the good day or the bad day until it happens. It's just one moment that decides or makes things good and bad. If I had not forced myself out of my bed today then it wouldn't have happened. I don't know what got into me today that I got out of my bed, dressed up, and went to college for the interview and didn't walk out saying "It's a waste of time(It was kind of waste of time though)." 
I wanted to prove something. I wanted to do it for myself and I did it but I'm not entirely satisfied. I believe that I'm lucky enough that very few people turned up for the interview. The placement department was expecting around 100 students but barely 65 showed up, among which a few students walked out because they were not interested or thought that they were too cool for the job. I felt like I could make it so I stayed and made a friend stay with me as well. We did the HR round(Earlier I wasn't aware that we were only going to have the HR round so I was ready for the written as well) and we both got selected. Actually all the girl candidates got selected so weeeeee. Nah. We only had the HR round and there was nothing technical or core knowledge involved. 
The interviewer only wanted to check the communication skills for the girls because it's a backend job. Some were bad and I wasn't great either(I hate to talk and I suck at it) but I managed to impress him somehow and I'm bloody sure that I impressed him because he made me say something(that I already told him when he asked me about my views on the "current scenario of freshers in India" in the HR round.)  in group chat with other girl candidates and he said that I was absolutely right. YAY.
Okay so I didn't have to do the written test, group discussions, technical interviews and whole bunch of other selection process except the HR round and I got selected with everyone else but you know what makes me happy? I stood out in the crowd. I was different. I made mistake like everyone else but I was different and I got noticed. I feel better about myself now like I can do something. And maybe I'm as bad as I think I am. I feel better. But here's the thing, I won't be doing this job. Yup, I'm not travelling to Gurgaon to work in the backend for a 10k Salary. I can earn more than that in my own state and do something better than that. I wanna do something in which I can improve, learn and grow.. something that makes me happy. I don't want the easy way out.
The other reasons why I'm not joining the company is because my parents don't want me to go to gurgaon. They are pretty much scared by the recent rape incidents. And the expenses yes, I don't want my parents to pay for my stay and food and other things. They have given me enough and now it's my turn to give them back. But before that, I need to get a job(eh). Hopefully I'll get one.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The kind of day, you start wanting to stay in bed and wanting to stay asleep and continue the dream you're dreaming. The day that just doesn't feel right so you decide to go back to sleep again after 4 hours. You crave for something that you can't have and you regret about the things you said to someone last night and you think. You keep thinking about last night's conversation and you wonder if you've ruined something. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

I always speak of bad nights. How would you define a bad night? Different people define a "bad night" differently. If you're going somewhere at night and your car breaks down, it's a bad night. If you have certain plans for the night and you have to cancel it for some reason, it's a bad night. If a loved one falls sick, meets an accident or dies, it's a bad night. So a bad incident makes a night, a bad night.
For me, almost every night is a bad night. Tonight is a bad night as well. It's been a while since I had a good night. I don't even remember when did the last good night happened to me. Maybe the last good night happened 8 years ago? I don't know. I don't remember. I have been having trouble falling asleep at night and I hate that the most. I have been thinking about things. Several terrifying things one of which is losing my dad because of his sickness. I cannot tell how many days he has but I really want those days to be more than the days I've lived so far and the days that I'm going to live in the future. I don't want to see a world without him or without my mum. God, I hate growing up. Our parents grow old with us and I think that's the worst part because eventually their existence will come to an end. 
My mum thinks that I do pointless things at night when I don't sleep. She couldn't be more wrong but will she ever understand the things that have been troubling me and what's keeping me awake? Dad's sickness, unwanted responsibility, college, exams, freaking interviews that I have been failing, my own freaking personality that I hate so much. No she won't. 
I've decided that I won't chase happiness anymore because I'm not meant to be happy and loved. I wanted to be happy.. Completely happy and that hasn't happened. I have tried to laugh and smile without feeling empty but that hasn't happened. I want to be loved but that hasn't happened either. I don't think I have chased love before.. and I'm not planning to do it either. I've always loved people more than they have loved me.. so I won't be doing that anymore.

There's a knot in my stomach and a void in my heart.
A storm in my head and words stuck in my throat.

God, I hate myself. I hate my very existence. My very pointless existence. I wish I could present it in a better a way, a beautiful poetic way. I hate every bit of myself, my skin, my bones, every single drop of my blood. Every bit of me that has made me, ME. I want to stop existing because my existence seems pointless to me. I don't see myself anywhere or with anyone. I'm broken and nothing can fix me. I'm beyond repair.  And I wish I could talk about it to a person who is close to me, or who feels right but I can't because they either don't understand it or get really scared. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

If it makes you feel better..

If it makes you feel any better,
I'll keep myself from speaking of death,
and how my absence would make this place a better place.
I'll make myself smile during the long screwed up nights, 
just to keep myself sane.
I'll let my head sleep when it feels too tired to exist.
I'll let you be my happy pill that cures the sadness in me.
I'll stop painting my sleeves red.
I'll do it all, darling, if it makes you feel any better.
But just in case I failed,
I'd leave you a last note with tear and ink stains,
Just to tell you that I tried my best,
And hope you understand that this was never in my hands.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


I'm scared of how happy I feel these days.
I'm scared how the feeling of being okay seems so new to me.
I'm scared to make new attachments.
I'm scared that it'll get bad again soon.
I'm just scared and it's absurd,
Because it's all I ever wanted,
And now when I finally seem to have it,
It's scaring me to death.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

I wonder if the situations have changed at all. I wonder if I am the only one who has changed. I still don't have "friends" but I can still hang out alone in the campus and try to fit in with others. Sometimes, I wonder if people notice it and what do they think of. To be honest, I don't think about it just "sometimes", I think about it all the time. 
I am jealous because I don't have friends who call up to ask me how I am when I'm sick. I'm jealous because I don't have friends who ask me if I want to go to the cafeteria building for lunch. I'm jealous because no one asks me if I'd like to go the mall or for a movie. I'm jealous because no one pulls my leg anymore. 
I think I embarrass people with my looks or quiet not so appealing/fun personality. But at the same time I'm surprised how so many people know my name and know what I'm good at. 
I don't get mad at "small things" not unless you insult me. I hate when people say that I get offended easily. A few people are kind of scared of me like they think that I'd hit them or shout at them, something like that, you know? But I've never been that kind of person. I think I probably look angry as well.. not just stressed and depressed.  
I need to stop looking for affection already but I don't know how to stop. I'm not anyone's priority and that hurts way too much. And I want to stop breathing to stop that pain.  

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Why would you come back?

Why would you come back in her life after 
breaking her down into a thousand pieces?
Why would you want her back and tell her that you care,
if you've still kept the doors of your life shut?
Why would you do this?
She is unmendable and if you hurt her more now,
it will only burn her down to ashes;
And she will be carried away by the strong wind, 
leaving behind, no traces of her existence.
Is that what you want?
But why would you want that?
Why would you come back and hurt her again?

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Oh hey, friend. Is it ok, to call you a friend? Um, let me just call you "friend" here in this post because there's something I need to tell you.

So I've been trying to be myself. I'm being myself but I've been more quiet recently and there's this weird fear and anxiety which is dwelling inside me and it's eating me up from the inside. I laugh when there's something to laugh about, I smile back when someone smiles at me. I wave "hi" and "goodbye" to my batchmates when they pass by and sometimes I even have small conversation with them. But here's the thing about small conversations. They are small and they end in a blink of an eye. 

Anyways, I know that you think that I'm "fine" and that there's nothing wrong with me but how come there are so many people who can see the sadness of my face. I'm not saying that I purposely keep a frowning face. I don't. But it's just my face that looks frowny and dull now. And let me quote something that was said to me by one of the trainers from my college. She said, "You look so dull and in pain. Is there something wrong? It feels like, like.. there's something.. some sort of burden or pain that you're carrying.. Are you alright? You are so young.. you shouldn't be this sad. Please if there's anything, please come to me and talk to me if you need someone to talk to me." 

The same thing was said to me by another co-ordinator of the TNP department of my college on the same freaking day. Woah! I must be such a good actor, no? Nothing scares me more than knowing that someone knows that I'm not okay. Sometimes, I want them to know that I'm not okay but that means I will have a hard time telling a lie and my voice will crack and I usually feel choked when people notice that I'm not okay. 

Right now I'm sick. (I wonder if it's because I haven't talked to you because usually that's what happens to me but don't worry. I will be alright. And I really hope it's not because of you) A regular/general doctor who actually delivered me almost 21 years ago.. can tell that I'm stressed and depressed and I'm standing on the edge. The way she told not to get so depressed and stressed was scary. 

I even had a few of my batchmates who asked me the same questions.. It's all so clearly visible on face and I can't even hide it anymore but you refuse to see it or believe and what have you done? You gave up on me.. After all this time, after knowing all of my secrets and past memories and feelings, this is what I get. I believe, I never should've trusted you. It's all of my fault. I can't believe I'm wasting another night writing about you.

God, I wish you knew that I wasn't being dramatic and I'm actually depressed and having a bad phase and this isn't normal. This is not a feeling or thought that can be forgotten over a night's sleep. I wake up wanting to be dead. That's how fucked up I feel but nope, it's all drama, right my dear "friend"?

Saturday, September 27, 2014

"How do I tell you.."

So, it's another bad night,
But you won't understand.
The absurd thoughts of day, 
Are finally making sense.

Words are more sincere, 
When my loved ones are asleep.
I wish I could explain the way my bones ache, 
A wish to end it all is running in my veins.

How do I tell you that I can't think of anything else?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired of being overwhelmed?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired and I want to sleep?
How do I tell you that I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up?
How do I tell you that I hate having to wake up and go through this again?
How do I tell you that I hate not being able to conceal the sadness of my face?

Thursday, September 18, 2014

A beautiful friend

When you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. You don't feel like existing anymore. Life seems so twisted and we keep making terrible decisions. It happens to everyone.

'I don't wanna live anymore.'

Fought with best friend?
'The world can stop spinning now.'

Parents don't understand?
'Why did they even brought me in this world?'

Crush has a crush on a terrible person?
'Why does it always happen to me?'

When you're a teenager, you feel like the only person who understands is your friend. I felt the same. Actually I didn't but I always had friends who cared a lot for me. Like seriously a lot. And it felt good to know that there were people who made you happy and who made you forget all your worries. I had people who'd do anything to make me feel happy again and that included cussing their crush because they hurt me and attending my birthday party even when they have a sick mum at home who had a minor operation two days ago. I was blessed to have friends like them. I know that not everyone has friends. 

Exactly five years ago, on September 18th, one of my best friends took her last breath on her death bed. She tried to kill herself, she was in hospital for around 20 days. She had major burn injuries. She was recovering but something happened and she couldn't take the pain anymore. I still remember every single detail of the day. How I got the terrible news of her suicide attempt and the day when our Chemistry teacher told us in our Morning tution that she couldn't make it. I remember wishing it was a terrible joke or rumor. I remember calling up my other friends and telling her about our dead friend. I remember trying to cry in the shower but I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until the principal started talking about her. I think I cried all day long. 

For a long time, I felt guilty for not telling her how much she meant to me. I felt guilty for not visiting her in the hospital. I felt guilty for not making it to the funeral. I was also amazed how everyone else was "normal" again. As if she never existed in our lives but I think we still did talk about her. We even saw her in our dreams sometimes and we'd talk about it the next day in school. I wonder if anyone still remembers this day. Maybe not. 

I always write about her on this day. I don't know why. I think because she was like a lucky charm for me or may be because when I found about tumor(it was a misdiagnose), she said "hey, you're going to live long. I hope God gives you all of my days". She said that a week before her suicide attempt. She had the most beautiful smile. She was strong and crazy and stupid.

I miss my beautiful friend. Her death did change me and my life. I didn't have my lucky charm and I suddenly started to lose my other friends, got more depressed, performed poorly in exams, argued with family, blamed myself for her death and what not. Like I said in the very beginning of this post, when you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. But this wasn't any little crisis. I lost a friend and she was never coming back. 

I try to save as many lives as I can. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like when you want to die. I want people to know that they are important and that I love them. I make sure that they know that I love them. If you read me, if you think of me, if you've ever made me smile, if you've ever helped me, I love you. Thank you for existing. Please don't kill yourself. Things will get better for you. If it didn't get better, you'll at least have enough strength to deal with it. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

There was a time when I used to write because I didn't feel happy/good/comfortable/content but now things have changed or should I say that I have changed. I have changed because now I can't speak or write when I'm low. I just stay quiet because the words are stuck in my throat and in my head and I can't even spill them out on a paper.

What can I tell you? How do I tell you? I'm not happy. It's been such a long time and I haven't been happy and things haven't been okay but it helps when I tell people that I'm not sad and things are okay. It's easier to say that and it doesn't make things worse for me so it's all good I believe.

I tried to tell my closest friends about how I felt but they dismissed the conversation. They shut me up by saying that what I felt was normal and that I was being dramatic. I knew that I'd break down one day if I bottled up my feelings/thoughts/pain for too long and that's what happened. I broke down.

I'm still not fine. I'm still trying to recover. I'm angry and tired and yes I want to cry it all out and sleep. I want to let go of it. I have to be okay and function like a normal human who doesn't have depression and who isn't suicidal.

My closest friends refused to believe that I wasn't okay and on the other hand at college, after trying so hard to keep a smiling face and laugh and make others laugh, they still caught me. They can see that I'm sad and I'm not okay. It happened during a mock interview feedback. My teachers who barely know me can see it. I was asked again and again if I have an issue or am I going through a bad phase.. They said, "it feels like you are carrying a bad pain or burden or something with you that's weighing you down. You are so young. You don't need to be so sad. Please talk to me. Come to me whenever you're free and talk to me. What is it?" That was one scary moment. I didn't want anyone to know that something is wrong with me and I haven't been able to hide that anymore and it's frustrating.

I used to have a friend. I don't have that friend anymore. It doesn't feel the same anymore. I'm scared to talk to him. It matters less if I don't talk to him. The only thing that matters is the fact that he doesn't care. And yes he did say that he didn't care. He had some sort of complaint. He said two things:
"You like the idea of having me" and "You're keeping me just in case, no one likes you back." 
Things are not okay between us anymore and I want to walk away. I even tried to end it. He doesn't make me feel better any way because I know that he doesn't care and there's a huge difference between us now. I think I don't care about him anymore either. I don't know why I still wish that he cared.. I'm hoping for miracle but I wonder if I'll forgive him. We still talk and I still pretend that I forgave him but there's something that kills me. Something that hurts and it's mostly because of him and his words. God, how can I be so stupid? How can I do this? I honestly did think that he was different. And he wanted to be in the "friendzone" but he also wanted us to be something more when we actually meet up. He said he cared. He said he'd never give up and after five freaking years, this is how it ends. 

I'll meet new people. I know that. I'll meet people who are better than him. I know that I deserve better. I'm not a bad person. 

I know that I'll get in trouble if someone from college reads it. The blog is synced with my facebook so I guess someone will read it but I really hope they don't. If you're from my college and if you've read it please don't mention it to me or anyone else. I don't want to talk about it. It's exhausting. Things will get better. I will get better as well.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

You wake up every morning because you have to.

It's just one of those nights, 
where you just want to break down. 
You're so tired of the falls and failures.
You want to talk but feel too exhausted to speak.
You just want to sleep and never wake up. 
Maybe sleeping for 365 days straight would help, 
getting over this feeling? 
When was the last time you shared, 
something really personal with someone you trust? 
You stand still while your relations get covered, 
by a layer of dust.
Maybe the reason why you didn't share, 
the recent bad experience with people is because, 
you're afraid that they'd leave you as well. 
Maybe you're just sick of seeing everyone leave. 
Quite perceptible that it kills you. 
The anger burns you.
And your fears paralyse you.
Yet, you wake up every morning because you have to.

Monday, August 4, 2014

You know what I need? I don't know what I need. May be I need to feel good about myself again. May be I need to be felt important. And no I don't want a person who knows just my name to tell me that I'm important and I matter. I need a person who has known me for months and years to tell me so. God, I hate sounding so vulnerable and needy every now and then. I can't feel anything. I don't feel happy. I don't feel loved. I don't feel sad. I don't know what I feel. I feel so ungrateful by not feeling blessed or happy when people on twitter try to make me feel better. I will try to get over this feeling soon. I promise.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

He loves me.

"It's weird when friends get into relationship, no?", I typed out on my phone and sent it to him on whatsapp. It was 12:30 AM here in India and 10 PM in his country. We have two and half hours time difference. I know him since 2009, we have been friends ever since then. I tell him everything and he tells me most of the things that he wants me to know. I can't stand a single minute without talking to him. When we're not talking, he is always in my head. I miss him. I know that he probably doesn't miss me this much or he doesn't like me as much as I like him but it doesn't matter.

He was online so he replied as soon as he saw the text, "Yeah.".

"What would you do if I got into a relationship?"

"I'd be like "We had something special :(" XD. If you gave me some time, I wouldn't mind it. If you ignored me I'd be all :("

"Well, I can only be in relationship if boys like Park exists." I replied, referring to the character Park of the book Eleanor & Park. God, I love Park. Guys like Park need to exists in real life. Rainbow Rowell did a fantastic job with her book. I love it so much.

"And, I can be in a relationship if I change my personality."

"Nah, your personality is fine. I like it." I replied. A second later, I added, "But  we can't date because we fight a lot."

"Fight-zoned :c", he replied.

"Hahaha, omg I just fight-zoned you. xD"

"you will regret it D': xD" before I could reply, he added, "Bbz will u love me 4evr?"

Was it the first time that we were playing along and talking about being together? No it wasn't.

I took a while before typing, "I don't wanna regret, let's date D:"

"Long distance doesn't work.. 0_0" He replied in no time and added, "Maybe when we're 26 and independent, it'll be good"

I wasn't sure if he was serious or playing along, so, I hesitated before replying, "What if it still remains long distance? What if I got married because of some family reasons or something? What if you started dating Jay."

"Nah, don't get married. Runaway.", he replied back and added "Nah doubt it. She has too many options"

"You do too and run where?", I replied.

"Save up and run away to Mumbai then run out of the country" and added, "Nah I don't have"

"You do"

"Really, I am disliked. 0_0"

"No. Liar. Everyone goes like 'omg, he is so cute' when they see you."

"No really. :/ You don't know what it's like.."

"I don't know what?"

"To be me.."

"Every girl from my college who has seen your picture thinks that you are extremely cute."

"Well, just your college :("

"You look great. You need to stop overthinking every time a jerk treats you badly because they are jealous of you."

He didn't reply. I had questions in my head. Was he serious? Does he like me? What was this? Why did we talk about it? I was still waiting for his reply so I could ask him those questions. I needed to know the answers. I thought that maybe his family was around or he was doing something else. So I asked him, "What are you doing? I need to ask you something."

He replied five minutes later. "Yea, ask?"

"Were you joking/just saying about the dating when I said, 'I don't wanna regret, let's date' or was it real?"

"A bit of both."

"Both? How?"

"I really don't know tbh ._."

Damnit. I thought and replied, "So you were just saying."

"Not rly"


"I don't know as I said. 0_0. Were you joking?"

"How can you not know? 0_0  and I asked first 0_0 I need to know or I won't sleep." Well blackmailing always works and it did again.

"I really don't. It was like 65% serious 35% joke. Like.."

"Like?", I replied three minutes later.

Two minutes later, he sent, "I was like it's not like I wouldn't want to date. But if the conditions were favorable then yes. But it's not like 'NOO NEVER'. Get it?"

Nope, I didn't get it. "Okay, yea."

"Cuz we are soooo far away and neither of us are ready. But if we were close and were ready then why not, y'know? Sorry for making it awkward. And close like able to travel.."

"Shit.", I thought. 

Should I ask him, why would he want to date me? I'm an abusive friend and probably be an abusive girlfriend to him. And he knows that he deserves better.

I stared at my phone screen. Watched his status going from "online" to "last seen" and "last seen" to back "online" again. Eight minutes later. It was 1:38 AM now. My head felt heavier. I felt happy and sad both and I didn't know why. I sent, "Why would you date me? Why not other girls? Why me? I'm depressed and paranoid and suicidal.. "

The chat status was now, "typing..". I waited and felt my heart racing. I was ready to be disappointed again but still secretly hoping for him to say something like Park did to Eleanor. God, I was going to cry.

"Because, you're an idiot. And you're beautiful. Inside and out. And I know that you don't believe me but it's true. It sucks that you don't know it. I miss you when we are not talking and I love when we talk or when we skype. I love your eyes and your smile. I wish I could see them, I wish I could see you. I want to hug you and do things together with you. I hate it when you get a crush on jerk guys and when they break your heart. I hate it when your parents are mean to you. I hate it when your filthyhead brother does things to you. I want to kill him for touching you, damaging you. I hate to hurt you. I hate that I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy.. I want you to live. I want to save you. I want to love you... I want you."

I was smiling and I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe that he said all of it. It felt beautiful, so fucking beautiful that it hurt. But this pain didn't make me want to kill myself. This pain made me want to live. And for the first time in 4 years, I wanted to live. I questioned myself, "Isn't it what I wanted? Isn't it what I wished for?" And, Yes, it was. 

His chat status was again changing from "last seen" to "online" and "online" to "last seen". I kept rereading the text that he sent. I tried to fathom my words into a sentence but I couldn't. 

At 1:43 AM, I finally replied.



"I love you."

":) I love you too"

"I should sleep now. It's late"


"Good night."

"Good night. :) Sleep well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."


Sunday, July 20, 2014

We humans are the biggest liars and hypocrites when it comes to accepting our feelings. When we try to befriend a person online, we convince ourselves that the person is real but when we start to fall in love with the same person, we start convincing ourselves that it's not real. Nothing about the person, or the feeling is real. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

It hurts

It hurts that you don't know.
It hurts that I've done it again,
And already falling for you every second.
It hurts that you like me
but you don't love me.
It hurts that you like my eyes and smile
but it's not something that makes you happy.
It hurts that I'm thinking about you so much 
these days and you have no idea about it.

Thursday, July 10, 2014


I want to be free.
In the most innocent yet wildest sense,
I want to be free.
I don't want to be bound,
By complicated relationships, absurd life goals, 
Or any haunting past memories,
That does nothing but makes me more insane,
With every passing second.

I want to be free.
Like the deep oceans and the cold night wind,
I want to be free.
I want to sing, dance and feel infinity.
And as crazy as it sounds,
I want to burn my body down,
And rise again from the ground.

I want to be free.
I want to break free from this skin;
Break free from the emptiness and numbness both at once;
Break free from the pain and depression,
That controlled my life for all these years.

I want to be free.
Free like a shooting star, 
Escaping the darkness of the night.
Free like a soaring kite, 
Playing hide and seek with the clouds in the sky.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Labyrinth of suffering

The night makes her vulnerable,
And the smile refuses to fool other people.
All of her broken pieces glued together start to fall apart,
And the paralyzing pain start to stab the heart.
The secrets get ready to spill out of her eyes,
As she starts to paste a story full of sweet lies.

Some nights, she laughs too much and then starts to cry.
The fears crawl up and she questions "why?"
She'd like to live but she'd also like die for sure;
Apparently, she's not sure of what she craves more.
As this absurd thought escapes the darkest corner of her mind,
She instantly goes blind.

People who believe that she's blessed,
Certainly have no idea that she's full of self hatred.
She's struggling between the thought of wanting, 
Someone to hold her and tell her that it's alright.
And the thought of putting an end to this labyrinth of suffering,
Right here tonight.

Monday, June 30, 2014

"Every night.."

Every night the sadness, 
Overpowers the sanity in her.
She lies paralyzed in the cold bed,
As the sadness carves out a void in her chest.
She says, "Things seem better when I'm not awake."
Someone hug her tight and prove her wrong for God's sake.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

After all this time of,  
Wanting to be someone, 
Who mattered, 
Or someone who made, 
A difference in people's lives, 
I've come to the realization that,
I’m not important, 
I do not matter, 
I do not make any difference, 
In anyone's life.
I am not special.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,
when you see my name flashing, 
on your phone screen?
Do you think about me,
as much as I think about you,
when I wake up and fall back asleep?
Do you like my company,
or wish to be left alone,
when things start to fall apart?
Do you find me,
annoying or wonderful when,
I tell you about my day?
Do you miss me,
when we are not talking?
Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

Thursday, June 5, 2014

It's been such a long time since I wrote anything really nice and good. Apparently, writing out all the emotions doesn't help either. I want to create something really beautiful but I haven't been able to do that. Things are extremely messy right now. 
Although I'm not prepared for the exams but I'm desperately waiting for the exams so I can do something else. And right now, since the exams have been postponed for an unspecified duration., I have started on my vocational training but I can't completely focus on that either. I've got a lot of things to do but I can't. Not even the things that I enjoy, the things that make me feel better and that is pretty stressful. I want to read a couple of books, I want to paint a picture, I want to write, I want to study, I want to start talking to some of my old friends again,  I want to Skype with my online friends and the stress isn't letting me to do anything. It's rather frustrating. 
I'm worried about so many stuffs at the moment and I honestly feel too weak and alone to handle it. Dad's sickness, mum's extra workload, exams(CSVTU scams), training, my own sickness, glaucoma and PCOS. And I really wish my friends could understand that. If I were at school right now, my school friends would have probably figured it out by now and probably would have done something to make me feel better. But this is life. Everyone leaves. Your friends leave too and you have to live on your own and I am living on my own. 
I can handle it pretty well during the day. The thoughts don't make me go crazy during the day but at 1 AM these thoughts make my bones ache and my stomach rumble, making me want to throw up right away or just pop all the pills at once and put an end to this. I have also found myself a little desperate for actual human care. I want someone to get worried when I'm not talking or texting them. I want someone to notice my absence. I want to be someone's favorite person and important person. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore but I also don't want any forced friendship with certain people. I wonder why am I not important for any of my friends though.
I'm that friend to whom people text when they can't sleep not because they are thinking about me or know that I can fix their trouble just through a conversation. They text me because they know that the only person who stays up late all the time is me.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

A voice is screaming in her head,
Struggling to break free, 
and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 
hard to figure out,
whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 
of holding back the tears,
that've been trapped, 
with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,
She wishes to escape to a place,
and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,
into her own skin,
She's hoping for the physical pain, 
to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,
She's falling into the darkest hole,
that's been created in her own head.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


I hope the unhealthy thoughts die, 
as soon as I type them on this paper. 
I'm really sorry, 
but I'm tempted to harm myself again tonight, 
for the things I failed to accomplish.
And I know you are going to stop me,
and tell me I'm perfect ,
but I know it's not true.
The truth is that I'm not okay. 
The truth is that I'm pretty damaged. 
The truth is that I'm easily replaceable, 
and I hate being so. 
When I raise my hand, 
they try to reach for the blades instead of pens. 
They try to paint my arms red with the razor,
when I try to pour myself out on a paper.
Being aware of all the beautiful things in the world,
I'd never choose myself over someone who is better.
But I want you to choose me.
I know that's insane,
but I really want you to choose me.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Not enough.

She is that wounded person,
who has been trying, 
to protect and fix, 
everything for everyone;
because she knows,
how it feels when everything,
falls apart.
But that's not enough.

She is being their warm, 
and safe duvet trying ,
to put everyone back to sleep; 
keeping them from, 
screaming in horror,
while the monsters of the night,
fill the room with,
chilled daunting aura.
But that's not enough.

She holds their hand when,
they decide to start all over again. 
But that's not enough. 

She has been taking, 
their cuts and scratches, 
and sucking up the poison, 
but that's not enough. 
Nothing she does is enough. 

Someone make her stop.
Life is too short to live for, 
someone who doesn't care.
She is running out strength. 
She is running out of hope.
She is running out of love. 
She is running out of air.
She can't do it anymore,
Someone do her a favor,
Give her back her smile,
and bring her back to her life.

Friday, May 2, 2014

I want to forget you.
Erase and white wash,
the darkest corner of my mind,
where you hide.

I want to stop,
writing verses that
follow the traces of
your existence.

I want the scars,
on my arms to fade soon,
so "our good times and bad times"
stop replaying itself,
over and over again.

I want to burn down,
the feelings I had for you,
when I was too foolish,
to think that you cared.

Friday, April 25, 2014

The page still remains blank

Trying to pen down the emotions,
but failing so undeniably.
Starting by capturing one thought,
and sugar coating it with ornamental words.

The page still remains blank.
The head still remains busy fighting, 
the unwanted thoughts.
Eyes get heavier and turn down,
the proposal to compose something beautiful.

Managed to scribble something like a line, 
which fall short to mean anything.
The words are scattered everywhere,
and I can't frame it together. 

The page still remains blank.
Words are sore from being used,
over and over again.
They have switched sides,
and have refused to divulge,
the premonition and apprehension.

After two hours, ten minutes, 
and twelve seconds later,
The page still remains blank.
Seems like it's time to give up the battle.

It's time to put down the pen,
and get up from the chair.
It's time to turn down the lights,
and lie on the cold matres.
It's time to close eyes and, 
let the dreams fill the void.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

State of mind.

Detaching   while   seeking   attachment,
Smiling   while   hiding  the     sadness,
Suffocating while gulping down the pain,
Fidgeting while trying to move forward,
And carry on with life without any companion.

Another night with worthless thoughts.
Another lie     coated   with bitter truth.
Another insomniac with horrifying past and unpleasant present.
Another   page   of      unwritten  words,
Stating   the   state   of   mind.

Things   are   not   exactly   okay,
Even   though   they   look   like it.
Morbid fascination with self destruction,
Never     helped    the    undying,
Nauseous     feeling.

Friday, April 11, 2014


It's one of those nights 
where it all crumbles 
down to the ground. 

It starts from 
one corner of the mind 
and slowly makes it way 
to the heart.
It rumbles in the stomach 
and finally reaches
 to the tip of my toes. 

The anxiety mixes 
with the blood 
and runs in the veins. 

I feel cold 
in 35 degrees.
I feel filthy 
in my own skin

I can't help but think 
of all the wrongs 
I've done. 
I can't get up but 
lie like a corpse
in the pile of my own 

I can't make it go away.
Is it okay to feel this way?
What's wrong with me?
Why is it all that I see?